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Katie stares you down for a long moment and says,

"Sorry's not good enough. I came here to remind you to pay your Scientology dues, and now look!
Without the Church's help, we'll all rot away in this tank! So to make it up to me, you'll be my bitch."

You consider the implications of all this and...

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#296 posted by toastbeard

You wiggle your big toe. Awwriight, you think, I still got it!

You continue to wiggle your big toe. Time passes.

After several hours, your toe gets tired and you stop.

You take a look around. Hey, who turned out the lights?

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#295 posted by The Inprisoner

You can't.

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#294 posted by toastbeard

"What, just can't get enough "Beat the Clock" reruns?" This guy really knows his celebrities. In Prison.

"Yeah... He played superman once, right?"

"That was a radio show, man. This, this is Chinatown."

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#293 posted by toastbeard

You grab your stuff and hide it in your pants.

Time passes.

Eventually, a guard walks by. You eye his name badge before addressing him. The badge reads "John".

"Hey, John!" you shout. John looks around.

"Yeah?"

"Wouldja let me out of here?"

"Well, I don't know... Not really supposed to do that. Why do you want to get out, anyway?"

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#292 posted by toastbeard

Nothing happens. Your uncursed nigganomicon crumbles to dust.

"Aw sumbichin' shi-at mo'fuggah, how'n'm'I s'pos'ta get anotha copy of that?!"

You're getting into it now. "Just chee-ill mo'fuggah."

Aight,

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#291 posted by toastbeard

"Den we coo'." He lets you go.

Afraid to go back on your promise, you try to think of other animal sounds you might make to attract attention.

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#290 posted by toastbeard

You awaken to a brand new day, highly refreshed. Perhaps, a little too refreshed. In fact, everything seems... fresh. An icy chill runs down your spine. You open one eye the tiniest sliver. It was just as you feared! Your new cellmate is...

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#289 posted by toastbeard

You reach for your standard-issue prison cell phone and start to dial your agent's number when you have a better idea.

"Bring that camera on over," you bark. "Mel, get down here. You're on the air! Tell them how great my penis is."

Mel proceeds talk for three solid hours about the merits of your penis. You then thank him and zip up your pants. By this time the area outside your cell is completely deserted. The camera appears to be rolling still, and the 'On-Air' light is still on!

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#288 posted by toastbeard

In one lightning-fast motion you grab a hold of Maurice's nametag and rip it off his shirt. "That's it 'reecy, I'm not giving this back until you tell me who you really are!"

He eyes you angrily for a moment. "Maurice Ravel, jackass." You freeze, trying to remember who the hell Maurice Ravel is. Maurice takes the opportunity to snatch back his nametag and walk off. The faint sounds of Bolero echo through the stony corridor.

Alone again with the Melster. Hey, where'd he go?

You look around the cell and notice a note left on Mel's pillow.

"Just stepped out for a bit. -Mel"

Finally, some privacy!

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#287 posted by toastbeard

Then you realize: it's not Maurice "Maury" Povich at all! It's Maurice Sendak!

"There are wild things /
They grow and change constantly /
Within my trousers"

You begin to think more seriously about your place of incarceration.

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#286 posted by toastbeard

Mel continues to slumber. You ponder to yourself, WWND? You crawl out from under the bed and pull out your katana (which you made yourself out of a spoon you smuggled from the cafeteria, a hunk of weeks-old cheese, and the remains of a few small birds). You take a clumsy swing, striking Mel halfway up his back on his ruined underwear. Your sword shatters into its component pieces. Drat his ninja armor! You remove the elastic from your head, which you hang in shame.

On the plus side, you've now got a spoon, some smelly cheese, a strip of elastic, and some bird remains.

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#285 posted by toastbeard

Just like back in Celebrity BDSM School! You tie Mel's feet securely to the bars at the foot of his bed, then give his nipples a quick tweak, just for old times' sake.

Someone catches you in the act!

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#284 posted by toastbeard

She eyes you warily. "Who told you about that?"

"I'll tell you, but only if...

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#283 posted by toastbeard

As you reach out your hand, a voice pierces through your sleepy haze: "Mel Gibson, wake up!" You were asleep the whole time! This whole thing was just one crazy dream!

You jump out of bed and shout for joy. You start to do a little dance, until Vin Diesel clocks you upside the head. You are knocked into next week.

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